One night, soon after my ex and I split, I found myself singing to loud music in my kitchen. It was the first time in about 19 years I had done that. Not because he ever told me I couldn’t. I had learned, one tiny compromise at a time, to accommodate. I thought that’s what it was to be in a marriage.
It’s true that if my partner doesn’t want to hear my loud music, I should not force him into live renditions of Indigo Girls every day. Some days, yes. It’s part of the package of Sarah. Not every day.
What is it that makes a woman turn off the music even when he’s not around to disapprove?
Something beyond simple respect for his preferences.
I turned against myself one accommodation at a time.
That’s the problem with making decisions based on fear.
Fear of making waves.
Looking like a bitch.
In turning against myself, I also turned against our marriage.
In trying to save face and connected to my partner, I did just the opposite. I longed for connection with him. I focused on longing for more sex because that was how I felt most connected to him. It was one place that was easy for me to let go.
By lying about who I was in tiny little lies, I created the opposite of connection. You don’t connect through lies. You connect through connecting. By showing up and being real. By telling the truth and holding your head up. By loving them for who they are while loving yourself for who you are. One does not preclude the other. Lies might get you laid in an online profile, but they won’t work for the long haul.
It is not selfish to shine. It is selfish not to.
It is the opposite. I shrank to stay safe. To look good. To save face—all decisions based on selfishness.
I’m telling you this today because this week, while making dinner and hanging with kids and my Beloved Montana, I sang. I serenaded them loudly the whole time. I won’t tell you they loved it. They did not. But I did!
I don’t subject them to my Renaissance playlist of Dolly Parton, The Black Crows and Grateful Dead every day. When the mood strikes, sister, dance.
The best part? By being my full on, loud singing self, I loved them so hard. When I love them like that, they love it. Even better than loving them so much?
By stepping fully into my own skin, I was fully at home in my own home.
There’s the magic.
If your sex life feels too small, does your marriage also feel too small?
If you’d like to come Home and have a better sex life while you’re at it, let’s talk. After 6 years of working with women who shrink instead of shine, I’ve found the most important concepts to help you come home. I’ll share those with you and help you see which is the most important for you to focus on for your own situation. Schedule a free mini session here.