David used to work third shift. While he was at work I would get down on some sugar.
Then I’d pass out watching Nick at Nite.
Digression: Nick at Nite! Is that still a thing? TV has gotten so much better. So much more sophisticated.
I usually managed to wake up and throw away all the evidence before he got home. I didn’t mind telling him about eating in front of bad TV but the idea of him actually seeing me passed out in front of the TV surrounded by empty cartons was too embarrassing.
I couldn’t break the spell of it. Could. Not. Get. A. Handle. On. It.
I resisted the idea that I was emotionally eating. Looking back now, it’s so obvious. I was really unhappy and lonely during that time. I spent a lot of energy trying to be really good and have my act together. Those late night threesomes between me, Nickelodeon and sugar were the only times I believed I could do what I wanted.
Binging rolls in waves. I did it hardcore for a while, then not for a while. Hardcore, then not. Hardcore, then not.
If you want to stop, keep doing it.
Instead of swearing you’re not going to binge tonight, accept that you probably will.
You can be peaceful and happy even if you binge at night some times. It is not an either/or proposition.
And you don’t have to do it anymore.
But if you’re going to keep doing it, just do it.
Stop the beatings.
It feels bad enough to overeat crappy food. You don’t need your inner assault on top of it.
When you start craving, gently ask yourself what’s going on. You can answer or not, but the gentle inquiry will break some of that binging spell.
Food is a magic carpet ride to your soul
Ultimately, if you use food as an access point to what’s really going on with you, you’ll get to the point where you don’t even want to binge. But until then, let yourself have it.
What we resist, persists.
Even though it seems like giving in to it will make it much worse, it is actually from a place of peace that things change. The more you fight it and beat yourself up, the more you’ll do it.
That’s the way the cookie crumbles. Or at least the way the empty ice cream container rolls off the couch after you pass out from your sugar crash.
When you want to overeat it’s a clear sign that something is off inside of you. But until then, let yourself have it.
Do you or have you done this late night binging thing? I opened up the comments so we can chat about it.